Why I didn't need to get a tattoo, but I did.

When I talked about getting a tattoo, and the reason for it, I got one response about half the time - I was told I didn’t need to get it. That’s true. The truth is, all of what I’m about to tell you, it’s true with or without the tattoo. But I got the tattoo anyway, and I can give you all the reasons for it (visual learner, permanency etc) but really, it’s done now - so let me just explain the reason behind it.

Anchor of my soul, you sustain.

When I’m in the storm, you remain,

Good to me.

Anchor - Beautiful Eulogy ft. Josh Garrels

Most/all of you know that I was diagnosed with depression about 2.5 years ago. It was the worst time of my life, hands down. One side effect of it/the medication for it, is that my memory of a lot of it is pretty cloudy, but basically I couldn’t breathe. I had debilitating doubts, not in God so much as his love for me. I was convinced I wasn’t saved, convinced I couldn’t be. I heard about the elect, and it terrified me, because all I could think was that I could spend my whole life trying, but God didn’t love me, didn’t want me, and I could never be elect. (I am aware of the theological reasons this is not how it works, but depression is so dark and overwhelming that there is no room left for logic.) So yes, it was just a whole thing.

In the midst of the dark, however, I found a safe place. A refuge I guess.

I would walk for hours, watching the waves go out, and come back in. I would find Jesus in the water, in words written in the sand, in the rocks - He was just there. 

I guess that, really, He was my refuge, but He used the beach, the water, the sea air.

I come from a little island, I'm never more than an hour or two from the water. I've always lived a five minute drive from the beach, I could walk in twenty minutes if the feeling took me. The water has always been there, always been a part of my life.

I have this hope

as an anchor for my soul

through every storm

I will hold to you.

Anchor - Hillsong Live

And in the midst of my finding refuge at the water, God began using anchors to teach me, to remind me.

In fact, if you look through my final year notes from uni, you'll find anchors doodled all over them - because it felt like it was all that was keeping me hanging on, all that was keeping me stable. And so, as I started to worry, started to doubt, as things would get darker, I would cling to the anchor, and through that cling to Him, the one who I was anchored to, even when I didn't believe it.

I am your anchor in the wind and the waves,

I am your steadfast, so don't be afraid.

Come to Me - Jenn Johnson

And I clung to it, I still cling to it. It keeps me confident, keeps me looking ahead, looking at Him. And we had a deal, you see. At least I made the deal, and He never argued.

I decided that after I had "beaten" the depression, I would get an anchor tattoo. One that would remind me what I had been through, what I had beaten. One that would remind me that no matter where I was, or how I felt, that I was His. That I was anchored.

Spirit, lead me, where my trust is without borders,

Let me walk upon the waters,

Wherever you would call me.

Oceans - Hillsong United

And so, when I started coming off my meds about two months ago, I started thinking about it again. And when I finally came off them totally a week ago I started thinking about it more.

And here's the thing, I started really thinking about it. Because yes, I might be doing good right now. But that's not to say that in a week, or a month, or a year, that I will still be where I am right now.

Right now, I might be coping all on my own, with no little pills to help me through. But I might need them again, and who knows how soon?

But that doesn't impact on my being anchored. And it doesn't impact on my being held, my being loved - it doesn't even impact on whether or not I'm "beating" the depression. Because in actual fact, every. single. morning. that we get up and get on with life while the "black dog" is clinging to us - we are beating it.

All depression wash away,

On the shores of Your great love...

And You bring peace in every storm,

'Cause You are my anchor.

Shores - Bryan and Katie Torwalt

And so, on Tuesday, when I was one week medication free, but unsure of how much longer it would last, I went and got a tattoo of an anchor on my right wrist. Because I am held, I am anchored, and together, we are beating this.

For I am the LORD your God,

who takes hold of your right hand

and says to you, Do not fear;

I will help you.

Isaiah 41:13

We have this hope as an anchor for the soul,

firm and secure.

Hebrews 6:19