Loving Uncertain.

It seems unreasonable.

Probably comes across as dramatic.

I’ve always been this way.

Leaving Colombia was always hard. Knowing I wouldn’t see those little people I loved so much for a year, at least.

But this is different.

Saying goodbye here is different, because some of these children will be gone before I get back.

[my return to Bolivia, while still not definite, is a story for another day.]

I look at his little face, this one in particular, and my heart aches.

His papers are ready.

It could happen any day.

His little wonky nose, that little scar, they’re a beautiful part of him.

They make the chances of that call coming through less likely.

But not impossible.

In three weeks I’ll leave this country, that became home in a strange way I never thought it would.

I thought my heart only had room for one Latin American country, but it turns out our hearts are capable of a whole lot more than we think.

And I’ve realised that more than anything here.

I don’t know what the future holds.

I don’t know what He has planned.

And so, there’s a choice to be made.

To guard my heart, or to give it away.

I chose the latter.

It was a subconscious choice.

It really never felt like there was another.

So I loved these kids like they were my own.

Watched the others do the same.

Watched some of the most devoted Bolivian women I’ve ever met do it too.

Sacrificing even the amount of time they could spend with their own kids.

Because, you don’t know.

I could hold back, make it easier on me.

But what if someday I realise he was supposed to be mine forever.

And if I don’t, don’t I want to get him prepared for the love a forever family brings.

When he’s handed over, don’t I want to be able to look them in the eyes and say, “I loved your son the best I could.”

It’s hard.

Of course it is.

But love is always uncertain.

After all, God loved everyone enough to send His only son.

And with no certainty we would ever love Him back.

So we keep going.

In a hundred different situations.

Loving children who might leave any given day.

We love because He first loved us.