#ikeptliving

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Today is World Suicide Prevention Day.

 To Write Love On Her Arms is running a campaign called #ikeptliving, encouraging us all to share the reasons why we're glad we kept living.

 My voice will just be one among thousands, tens of thousands - and it will not be nearly as well written.

 But I've been there. I've thought I would be better off dead. I've thought the world would be better off without me.

 Because while I've never tried, I've wanted to try. And that's just one step away.

 So I want my voice out there. I couldn't forgive myself if I thought I hadn't done anything.

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 Here's the thing - my life is pretty great. It's always been pretty great. And on the day (because I can pinpoint it) when I was struck down by this 'black dog', my life was awesome. I was at uni, studying to do the job I knew God had made me for, I was planning a trip to my favourite country on earth, co-leading a team of young people I was going to introduce to it, about to show my Dad it too - I had good friends, a wonderful family, a great God. I was okay, in fact I was really good. That summer should have been the best summer of my life.

 But that's not what my head told me. My head kept telling me there was no light to be found. It told me that the God I was trying to serve didn't want me. It told me I was too much work for my friends, a burden on my family. It said that a broken missionary was no missionary at all. It told me I should just give up. It lied and manipulated me, and I believed it without hesitation.

 I was lucky in so many ways. I had a family who supported me, who believed me when I told them how I felt wasn't normal any more. I had an incredible doctor, and she trusted me, she listened to me. And within a few weeks I had a little green sheet with the name of a weird drug on it, and I headed off to Colombia.

 It was a rough summer, it's been a rough few years, there have been bumps along the way.

 The first drug didn't work, and then the second drug didn't work. The third did - thank the Lord.

 I had to put off my graduation - couldn't get it done in time. I lost my First (that may have been a pipe dream anyway).

 I moved to Bolivia, that hasn't been without its issues.

 But, I got through it. And if I can get through it, so can you.

 Maybe you can stop taking those little pills, maybe you can go natural again. That's what I'm trying out right now. Maybe you'll never be able to stop taking those little pills. Maybe I'll be back on the pills tomorrow.

 Maybe you won't have to see your doctor every week, every month, every couple of months. Maybe you and your doctor will be best friends for ever and you'll never be out of the waiting room.

 God and you will be good again too, if that's an issue for you. I truly believe that. You'll know Him again, maybe better than you ever have. In fact, He'll be the one to pull you out of this.

 And no matter how things go, one day, you'll wake up, and things will be brighter. They won't be perfect, that's not how we roll here on earth. But maybe, just maybe, you'll see the light again.

 And that day, the light, it's worth fighting for.

 I'm so glad #ikeptliving.

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 Statistics say that more than half of those who attempt suicide talk about their suicidal thoughts and feelings beforehand.

 If you need to talk, do it. Find a friend you trust, talk to them. Don't decide this isn't worth it before talking it through.

 And if you don't trust people, and goodness knows maybe you have reason to, here's a website: http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Suicide/Pages/Getting-help.aspx

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