hold fast

I remember being 11 or 12 and thinking I was a robot, because my feelings just didn’t work right. Wondering if I was a clone, or if God had made some catastrophic mistake with me. I remember staying up night after night obsessing about questions that had no answers. Falling asleep to the TV that wasn't supposed to be on, only when my eyelids couldn't stay open any longer. I remember checking every single night if my family were all breathing. Standing at the door of their room, waiting for someone to take a breath. Over and over, night after night. I never said anything about it though, I hid it well. I was happy and bubbly and there was no way anyone would believe that I had any major issues. Truthfully, I didn’t even realise yet. Until it hit me like a train. The world got so dark, darker than I had ever known it to be. I couldn’t see light. I couldn’t see God. And it broke me. Reading and reading, looking for Him anywhere - but nothing. On my knees, asking forgiv

6 de agosto Yesterday was Bolivia's Independence Day. We celebrated as best we could from 6000 miles away. I miss Bolivia, it's been home for the last 5 years of my life. But Edson yearns for Bolivia in a different way - it is his home, it's all he knew for the first 7.5 years of his life. So I knew we needed to mark it, needed to celebrate the country that made us a family - the country that gave me him! (Plus, their food is just 😋) So we celebrated all week long - I cooked his favourite meals (which I am steadily becoming more proficient in, although I'm counting down the days til we get back to Bolivia and I don't have to be the one to cook them anymore...) and he wore his Bolivia shirt as much as he could until it was dirty beyond all recognition, then switched to Wilstermann (one of Cochabamba's local teams - and our favourite!) We started off with pique on Tuesday night, which aside from being mine and Edson's favourite Bolivian meal, has also become